I was writing my latest guardian piece on how J.K. Rowling is deserving of a purple heart when the electricity in my Somerset estate went out. I sigh to myself “Putin's mess.” The Ukranian refugees who work I graciously am housing are using poor people’s non electric hedge trimmers instead of the one I have that runs off of leaded diesel and Congolese children. It was then I realised “Oh rats, those energy companies and their cunning ways, now they’re coming for the sensible class.”
I for one don’t understand all the fuss. Energy is more of an abstract concept now that it turns out I have to share a burden with the Iceland mum class. But thankfully my divorce papers are just out of the way so I will set the time aside to aid the underlings and solve this crisis singlehandedly with my expert advise.
Have you tried cancelling Netflix?
Have you tried not having takeaways?
Have you tried eating dust?
Instead of taking a shower you can just con MI5 into waterboarding you for free.
My cousin had trouble with his energy bills. To help him cope he shot up a Butlin's then was never found.
Cut your cocaine with vitamin e powder.
Take up a 0 hour contract as a GBNews host.
Go to the House of Commons in a fake mustache and say “Hello I’m the gas man is your meter working properly?” I don’t know what you’d do after that tho thats all I got so far.
Try and reclaim royalties from your brief stint as a keyboard player for that one British new wave band that had 3 popular songs in the 80s.
Get a real labour centric job that has you contribute to society and with a principled collective workforce. Y’know, something like hosting Tuesday mornings on LBC.
I know this is listed already but if I find out you have a Netflix subscription I will cut you.
Y’know in Ukraine they don’t even have boiling water. Maybe you should be grateful for the fuck all you have.
Sell the house and put your parents into a home. I don't care if they’re only 52.
Save energy consumption by privating your twitter after saying the Jews did 9/11.
Wonga
Curling into a ball and dying.
Wonga-related industries.
You could also get a new kettle, or use the kettle at work. In fact, fuck you, you don’t even get to use the kettle you fucking idiot. Go fuck yourself.
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